How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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You learn something every day
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th