How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
