How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
