How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Living the best life.. 😊
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
awkward
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
