“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
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[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.