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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Like sleeping!
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call