How your email finds me
You Might Also Like
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
grandparents are too precious for this world
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.