How your email finds me
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”