“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*