Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

termite twitter scares me

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me