“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.