Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.
Now we wait.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[role playing in bed as pirates]
Me: Arggh, I want that booty.
Her: *giggling* Mmmk
Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed