“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.