Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Overindulged this afternoon.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

The United Steaks of America

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.