How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
