“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
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*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.