How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///