Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

excuse me

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.