How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar