How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.