Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

I have obtained a hat

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Just as the prophecy foretold

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass