“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.