Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Hang in there buddy

back to work

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

gender is a sprctrum

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’