howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.