Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

God has left this place

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Worst Native American name ever.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

*offers Batman cough drops*

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?