However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
You Might Also Like
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m good, thanks.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
iPhone X
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.