Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out