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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.