Howl 😭
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today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Welcome
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
2 years later