Howl 😭
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”