Howl 😭
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
genius
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”