Howl 😭
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
😏😏😏
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?