Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

How actors in movies eat their food

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1208183234393018368/pu/vid/720x1280/BC7deK5kI75kF_o4.mp4?tag=10

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”