Howl 😭
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Okay
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?