*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The cycle continues
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*aggressively waits in line*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
it must be school picture day
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.