*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*