Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.