How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.