Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids