How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year