Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Wait a minute

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Sorry not sorry.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.