Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Good lord

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

bury ourselves

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started