Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

The Friday File.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

No way!

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did