How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good