How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
When you have to use a public restroom.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window