How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
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Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.