How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
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Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car