Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”