How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I think this might be relevant today.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”