How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The best shot in the history of golf
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs