Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Uh oh…

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…