“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
You Might Also Like
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Social distancing in Australia:
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
