“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
subtitles are so good nowadays
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag