“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
You Might Also Like
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
🐟✨ #re4
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead