How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
What legos do when we’re not looking.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
the dark web is just a goth google.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.