How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m about to risk it all
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I ate everything, including the H.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
