How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today