How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
#dalle2
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
this came to me in a vision
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again