How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Oh no
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.