Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Not helping

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

It kinda feels like this rn