“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
the Monday after daylight savings
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
bat life
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
