“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me hitting on a model
Meow
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
applying for a new job
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My therapist after every session
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.