“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
You Might Also Like
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
me watching my own Instagram story
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”