Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

A drum solo but on your face.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.