“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I think the cat got the dog high.