How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Only Americans understand
first you must answer his riddles
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’