Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

What a chick magnet..

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

No laws when master is gone

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.