How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.