How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
You Might Also Like
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
💁🏻♂️
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
This was the best day of my life
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.