Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder