Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans