HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.