HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.