HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.