Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did