HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?