Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

My last name is Zilla.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]